Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.

A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*

Card: “My over-preparedness.”

Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.

We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins

Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.

I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.

KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶

me: wow that’s old.

john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶

me: oh not that old then.

“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.

can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others

Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.

That’s just how Julius Caesar.

*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.

I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭

I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy

Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.