Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.

I think my favorite sammich is ice cream

Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About

Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?

my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.

Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.

Friend: I haven’t used it yet.

He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.

They called him… The Juggler

My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..

Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”

Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK

The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

date: omg !!!!!

me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water

Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.

ME: A John Dough

HER: Get out!

[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.

The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”

“I’m sorry I feel that way.”