I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
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Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
LOL
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?