“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
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You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
my dog when i have a friend over
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
TRAIN’S HERE
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead