“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
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Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Beauty and the Beast
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire