I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
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Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
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I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%