Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.

I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

Me: I’ve hit rock bottom

The Rock: Harder

Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.

Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no

Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.

My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?

Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!

As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.

Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.

Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

“Oh hi, you’re home early”

Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!

just told my kids it’s illegal to have the light on while we’re driving, I will not break this cycle

Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have

God: take the worst of his personality.

Angel: okay.

God: then take the worst of her personality.

Angel: got it.

God: now mix them all together.

Angel: what do you want to call this mess?

God: call it a kid.

Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door

“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.

I love art.

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.