I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
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First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
181.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol