I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
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Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
buying dead houseplants to save time
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Had an epiphany today.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”