Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

*first date*

Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight

[Phish concert]

“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”

Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough

When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.

Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.

Bill is short for Billiam

Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.

My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.

the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord

[camping]

Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.

“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?