“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
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Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.