I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
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I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
i was baptized in a car wash
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro