I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
You Might Also Like
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I try
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.