Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.

Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.

But other times, I’m sleeping.

JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.

Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie

Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW

Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.

Me: what’s wrong?

Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child

Me: everyone does secretly

Wife: well it should at least be one of ours

“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts

Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs

My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.

Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for

sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.