I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
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Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Just grow your own
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
I just love that new Pope smell.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”