I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
You Might Also Like
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
My support group can outdrink your support group.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!