I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
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Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
the noise i just made
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.