I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
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The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Well, this explains it:
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
much to think about
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*