“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
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No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
when someone compliments me
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper