Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate

Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”

Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.

just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”

I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.

You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.

DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”

I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.

And not ONE ab to show for it.

Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!

I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.

Them: oh I was just talking about you!

Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha

Them:

Me: oh

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.

My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.

*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.

The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.

I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

I love art.

What do you call a man with no car???

…an Uber.

Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.

Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.

I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!