Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.

sigh

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.

it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this

*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L

What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”

Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

no, no… I don’t want to be a burden

– me being a total burden

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!

EVERYONE: *gasps*

ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird

Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween

-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31

Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

playing pool? you mean swimming?

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off