Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now

Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.

Pee pressure > peer pressure

A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.

Alarm: beep beep beep

Me: I respectfully decline.

I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber

What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?

A parsnip.

I’m not average. I’m mean.

I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.

To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now

[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire