I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
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Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Seek kebab; not attention
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Hello Twits.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.