I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
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Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.