Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”

Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…

Meme Monday.

Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.

I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying

The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?

Me irl

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.

When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult

for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away

Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭

I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.

*carves turkey

*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

*watching our 7yo’s softball game*

Me: Where’s our kid?

Him: The one dancing

Me: Ah, yes

One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.

Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?

Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool

Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?

Superman:

Lois: Are you crying?

Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦‍♂️🤷‍♂️

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.