I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Just this preview of the story is enough
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.