Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

Saw your ex at the shops

Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.

Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.

Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.

Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.

Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.

This is bullshit!

I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.

Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra

I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret

I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”

we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach

I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit

Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.

*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors

How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Accurate

They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!