I can’t wait!
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Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.