Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs

proctologist: how many are in here

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help

(it is unclear who he’s talking to)

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

Friend: check out my conscience shell

Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*

Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing

The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.

Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty

Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.

Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering

Nephew: It’s only August

Me: March lasted fifty years

Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.

They have a budget of $430,000…

Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.

You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .

Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.

“I need to get laid man!”

– eggs (in the chicken)

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.

Its true…

[giving a eulogy for my doctor]

ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples

If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.

Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.

Me: And your point is…?

i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.