Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!

Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!

Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?

I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die

oh good, now I can stop drinking

I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.

[himalayan monastery]

me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!

dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide

After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.

*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”

Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”

Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish

Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.

I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”

I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

[karate class]

Sensei: break this board with your hands

Me: why can’t I use an axe?

Sensei: because I hate you

How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.

papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers

little cloud: *tinkling over desert*

papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!