Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buying my parents’ house.

Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…

I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.

I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.

Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m super chill

professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?

me: yeah man

professor x: what?

me: [nodding] yeah

I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.

Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually

When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.

Sing it!

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?

Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.

pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?

*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!

My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!

I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.