I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
You Might Also Like
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Me in tagged photos
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016