I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
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WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
rapatouille
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.