[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
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ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth