Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.

My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.

They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

No I’m not feeling old when the first member of my son’s varsity football team from hs is getting married tonight.
Not feeling old AT ALL!

Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

me: before you hire me, you should know i take things

interviewer: like what?

me: time and care

interviewer: oh haha

me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits

All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.

My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”

“Yes!”

“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

He refuses to bathe without the Melon

Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar

Me *about to get hit by a bus*

OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER