I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.
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[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.