i can’t work under these festive conditions
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Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Battery falling down a hole
being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
#Caturday
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions