i can’t work under these festive conditions
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Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I think I’m having a stroke
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.