i can’t work under these festive conditions
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NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]
SONOFA
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!