I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
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Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse