I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
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Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Priorities
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
no exceptions
yes… yes…
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage