Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
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Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat