My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
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Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
peak technology
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.