i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
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me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!