Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple

“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”

Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo

Alfred: right away, Bruce-o

HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”

I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.

Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

First date

Him: tell me about yourself

Me in a singsong voice: ok but you’re not gonna like it

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!

Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.

It’s called “Camera”.

Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”

Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.

[ first time mugging ]

me: gimme all your mash

him: did..did you just say-

me: mash. omg i did

him: lol

me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry

him: np my dude, take it from the top

me: gimme all your coney ope

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”

WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.

ME: Ok, I will.

[later that day]

ME: I quit

BOSS: WHAT??

ME: I said, nice squid

I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.

Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..

I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”

Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.

16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.

become ungovernable

Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.