I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
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Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho