Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me

A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’

Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here

Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.

Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along

My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded

Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?

[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.

[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.

They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials

Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!

I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

If someone is whistling they:

1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏

I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no

I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.

There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.

[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…

Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:

I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.