Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi

Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT

DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.

ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?

It fired boohlets.

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?

Netflix: Are you still there?

Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?

I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born

ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]

[Interview]

Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.

Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.

if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person

Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.

The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.

I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.

He’s dead

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost

When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.

Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.

People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.

I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.

Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.

I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.

🤷‍♀️

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.