I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
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Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
fair
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face