I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
You Might Also Like
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
socratic questions
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork