Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

Look Ma, no handle on things

Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.

*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS

My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂

doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?

patient: yes, on my mother’s side

doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes

“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened

Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?

Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes

When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145

If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:

1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”

They inhale deeply…

Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.

Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.

Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”

Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.

I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.

ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?

WIFE: Google Earth

ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”