Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.

TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff

Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

mario: I hate you

wario: and I hate you

mario:

wario:

mario: do you wanna play tennis

wario: lmao hell yeah

My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.

He’s so proud of his work! 🤣

[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?

[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.

If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.

I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”

when someone messages me a minute after i login to work

Her: Umm…Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog…returns 3 days later

Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.

Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow

if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

[during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}

If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager

Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy

Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad