Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe

She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.

She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….

My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.

HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?

Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer

Million-dollar idea:

Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.

Before therapy: I hate people

After therapy: I hate therapists

[God creating humans]

God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc

Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?

God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol

I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.

I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails

My boss called in sick of me

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.

I walked into a pub with my wife..

The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?

I said That sounds like a fair swap

Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

finally

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks