Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.

Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-

ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle

[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]

“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”

[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet

When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right

hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “I think I’m gay”

Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)

“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP

[Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late

Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.

911 what’s the emergency?

“How do u unburn pizza?”

U burnt a pizza

“Yes”

I’ll send a squad car

“Ok will they help?”

No ur under arrest

I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down

Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?

Astronomer: No, comet.

I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists

I feel seen

[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]

date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me

Look, a pure bread cat!

i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword

I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.

Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.