I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
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Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.
“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.