I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
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I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Cop lights are so pretty at night
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
me when somebody idk start touching me
