I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
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You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Well. That’s not a good sign.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I feel it
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed