I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
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Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
i hope all of u get laid and not laid off this year. amen
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.