Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.

Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries

My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.

What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit

I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

I used the label maker

I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.

2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”

“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”

Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza

[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

ME: I really think I could win Survivor!

ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.

Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi

Bed should get ready for ME

Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?

Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.

(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!

Courtroom:

Me: … Well this is embarrassing

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

roses are red
i fall when i skate

I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂

britain’s three elite institutions

me [sneezes]: excuse me.

guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.

Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?

Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.