I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
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Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.