Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]

Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

ME: do you have any specials

PHARMACIST: what

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.

There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.

Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?

The captain was standing on the deck.

#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children

Me:

Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.

If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

Lady in the park:

Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion

Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂

ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you

“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.

Wait, what

So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.

Nolege is power biches!

Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO

To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.

Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

I need better friends

Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.

Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?