I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
You Might Also Like
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
“You’d better run, egg!”
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.