I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
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DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Breaking news:
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.