Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science

Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.

[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.

And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.

doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—

Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip

Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out

People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.

Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?

3:

Me: Do a puzzle?

3:

Me: Paint?

3:

Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.

3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones

CORONER: no

I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.

WEBMD: Enter symptoms

Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin

WEBMD: You are a jellyfish

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to

Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..

Is that they’re miniature versions of you

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift

*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker

I finally found a reason to live again.

*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*