Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.

bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?

I have a place for everything. The floor.

Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.

Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?

*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face

My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

I think something went wrong here?!🤔

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.

[ looking at family pictures ]

Kid: where am I?

Me: you weren’t born yet

[ later ]

Kid: *drawing family*

Me: where’s mommy?

Kid: you weren’t born yet

Damn

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.

It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.

Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.

Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.

PLOT TWIST:

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.