I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
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When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
It makes me sad that kids these days will never know the joy of clapping back with “it’s time to get a watch” when someone asked what time it was.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.