I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
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Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats