I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
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Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet