I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
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Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
This is a bad sign
