Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

lol

sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?

Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?

6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.

Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*

Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood

Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”

unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.

watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified

#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.

Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—

4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.

Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.

It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.

DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes

Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.

I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

Husband: *leaves to run an errand*

Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler

My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS