I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
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“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers