Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.

Me, reading some of your tweets

I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.

How it started How it’s going

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry

Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.

police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long

me: i thought we were doing a silly one

I don’t care what the scale says.

I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.

[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute

Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear

Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?

[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird

Forgive me, for I have sinned.

Same time tomorrow?

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

“And what did you bring home this week?”

– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school

Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.

Mob Boss: Who do they got?

Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.

Both: Oh shit.

The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.

People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.

Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?

There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.

*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*

I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.

😂

“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”