I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
You Might Also Like
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.